Critical, crucial, difficult conversations

Tuesday, 29 November 2011

These intimidating conversations are characterised by high stakes, opposing opinions and strong emotions.

Talking about things when they’ve gone all pear-shaped

Not long ago, I came across some sites about critical or crucial conversations. These terms are used interchangeably. The book (which came first) is also a best seller, with many good reviews on Amazon.

The more I read, the more I could “translate” from the authors’ content to my own. The points below are from the first link, with the Technology of Participation framework following.

Begin with facts, not accusations: Using descriptive and not prescriptive language, what are the data points behind the emotions and/or conflict?

What do we know, objectively? Asking this creates divergence. It expands our base of information and awareness. It helps us be comprehensive. It brings a sense of multiple views. Recognising this is the starting point of transformation.

Acknowledge the difference in experiences: Using "I" statements describe how the behaviour was experienced as conflictual or emotive?

Uncover the hidden values or sensitive areas by creating safety: Explore what values might underlie the situation that has led to the conflict or emotional eruption. State what you do and don’t want to happen within the conversation.

What do you mean when you say...? Asking this kind of question creates a sense of common ground. It starts to build shared understanding of our frames of reference. It is about being affirmative. Acknowledging and actually embracing the complete situation opens up real choices.

Don't personalise or undermine character: Without use of judgement (shame or blame) and using "I" statements along with CPR—content, patterns, relationship—how was meaning made of the descriptive data points?

What new options or possible directions will work for us? Asking this creates convergence. It helps state whatever agreement has been reached and establishes a sense of new possibilities. It is about being ethical. Making decisions means assuming responsibility.

List the Next steps: Describe what each of you will do to address the situation or conflict.

What are our next steps? Asking this moves us towards closure. It helps conclude the conversation with commitment and a resolution to act. It creates a sense of ‘this will makes a difference’. It is about being courageous: standing in the gap between the no-longer and the not-yet. Transformation is therefore led from the edge.

So, what’s your experience of handling difficult conversations? Please, share your thoughts below.

Go well!